Ep 04 | Broken Mirror

In this episode, I spoke about something that I saw happen as a 7 or 8 year old girl… 

I remember one afternoon back at our home as a 7 or 8 year old girl just playing with my toys and running from our living room to the bedroom. This was back when we used to live in Los Angeles, CA. I was playing with some dolls and cars because yes, I was that girl that loved Hot Wheels, but also Barbies. My mom was in the dining room looking at a lot of papers, most likely bills, on the dining room table. If you know my mom, you know that is what she does. She uses that table as her desk to look at “Adulting Matters”. My father was lying on the living room couch watching TV. That is what he used to do after coming back from a work trip, since he is a truck driver. I finally ran to my mom’s, dad’s, and my room because let me explain that we lived in a Single Story Duplex that had one bedroom, one bathroom, a laundry, storage, closet, and obviously the living and dining room and the kitchen. So yes, I used to sleep in my bed which was next to my parents’ bed. 

Back to my story. At one instance, right after I had gone in the room I heard a big *CRASH* sound in the dining room! I ran towards the front of our home and exclaimed asking my mom, “Mama! What happened?!” She then with a raised voice, while looking at my dad, and while I just stared at her said to me, “Your dad threw the remote towards me! He did not want to hear what I had to tell him!” I looked right behind my mom at about a Forty-Five degree angle and saw the mirror in the dining room wall broken! 

Again I stared at her, and then I looked at my father, and back to her. I felt anger at that moment, but I did not say anything after. I remained quiet, with those feelings inside. My dad got angry at my mother because she kept nagging about who knows what. 

This literally got stuck in my brain for so long that I did not realize, until more recently that this is why I started to bottle up feelings. I remember this day clearly, as if it happened yesterday. Actually… better than what I remember what I ate yesterday. To want to avoid situations like this I chose for myself that staying quiet was the best choice. That in order to keep the “peace” between people it was better to not say anything at all. 

As a kid I started to get bullied. It probably all started in 6th grade all the way to 8th grade. Kids older than me would choose to make fun and say crap about me because I was shorter than most and I also was a heavier weighing kid. A friend of mine in California also named Karla would get so angry and annoyed at me that I would not defend myself. I would not say anything to keep these “bullies” from continuing to do so. It all came from home, where I just did not want to experience the same things. 

Some things that I really detest seeing or haring is when couples end up arguing or disrespecting each other in front of others. Specially in front of their own kids. There is always a better way to dissolve these issues, but it’s definitely hard work to not react on the spot either. If at some point you find yourself in an ugly situation liked this in front of your loved ones, think for a second and if this issue needs to be resolves ASAP, then go to another room. Being an outsiders seeing these things does not feel good. It just feels ugly and messy, and imagine if we as adults feel this way, how do you think the children would feel? 

Yes, we all grow up and end up finding things out from our parents as far as situations that were ugly, but something that we need to work on is understanding that kids can keep their innocence a little longer. We hear all kinds of experiences, things that were said, good and bad. I know for sure that I learned a lot from my parents. Not just the horrible situations that I saw, but I also saw and still see the good things in them. From each experience we learn and continue learning on how to react and how to approach situations with future relationships that we all build. I know I continue learning on how to speak for myself and how to defend myself and know that I am worth more than the credit I give myself. More recently I have been practicing to speak up, even though it does not feel comfortable, I am getting others to understand that I am not someone to be stepped on any longer.  I will say things to defend myself and know that it was the correct thing to do, to take care of ME. 

Because I have been practicing this, I have been able to continue working towards what’s next. What that next step to reaching that goal is. It is because of this that I have been able to start this podcast and even blog. As I reach each goal, I continue to strive for more. So it’s never just over. There are always doors opening after one is closed and complete. 

Let me tell you something, though. This is not bing shared in order to give some kind of judgement to my parents. They have done the best they can to raise me and teach me. Whether good or bad. My mother always showed me love and my dad never abandoned me. Yes, he has had his alcoholic issues and my mother has always been stubborn, but I can’t say that I had terrible parents. They are human beings and through all these experiences I have grabbed what I choose and let go of things I did not feel fit in my life.